Abundant Life Coaching from Coast to Coast

Living Life on Purpose

Break the cycle

Domestic Violence Questions to ask & Behavior to be aware of:

How is your relationship?  Does your partner:

Blame you or others(children, third parties)for his/her faults

Is jealous of you

Blames circumstances or others for their problems

Demonstrates unpredictable behavior

Belittles you, the children, friends, family and even strangers

Always asks for a second chance

Can't control anger, has outbursts and/or tempertantrums

Says they'll do whatever it takes to make it work, they won't do it again or that they'll change

Demonstrates unpredictable behavior

Uses guilt trips and tries to manipulate to get their way

Close-minded; their way or no way, there is no other way

Seems kind and gentle and charming and "in tune" to non-family members/strangers

May have been abused as a child or witnessed the abuse of their mother, father or siblings

Often the behavior becomes worse when drugs or alcohol are used

For the man, they believe that "a womans place is in the home," and that they have the right to demand and control.

Blames you for the lack of fulfillment in their life.

Embarrass you with their behavior privately or in public

Calling you or your children bad names, swearing at you or your children or even pets, with put-downs(character degrading instead of dealing with the issue at hand) & belittling?

Dictate what to do & how to do it, unwilling to help or go the extra mile?

Tell you that you are the problem, & that you need to change, not them?(Act like the abuse is no big deal, it’s your fault, or even deny doing it?)

Look at you or act in ways that threaten you & that scare you?

Destroy your property or things that are important to you?(putting holes in the wall with fists or feet etc., breaking windows, slamming doors, throwing objects, if they hit you or not), hit the steering wheel while driving, slamming on the car breaks or speeding up when angry to scare you, kick or throw the your pets or threaten to kill your pets?

Take your money or Social Security, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?

Make all the decisions? 

Tell you you’re a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?

Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?

Shove you, slap you or hit you?

Threaten to commit suicide?

Threaten to kill you?

If you answered yes to just one of these questions, you may be in an abusive relationship.  Abuse isn't just against women and children but many men are in abusive relationships too. Please refer to the Resource tab above for more information on Domestic Violence.  There is help and hope, break the cycle! 

~An aquaintance once told me that if I continue to stay in the abusive relationship, that I am also apart of the abuse on my children.  That shocked me and was taken back!  It's true, when we stay apart of the relationship or do not break ties with that person, we are allowing the behavior to continue and we are no better then the abuser.  Be courageous and strong, be an ADVOCATE for yourself and your children! 

Common Traits in Most Abusers/Batterers

Extreme Insecurity

Doesn't trust others and is very critical or jealous of their others, especially their partner. Very difficult time allowing people close.

Need to Control

They choose to control and their purpose is to control every aspect of their partners/childrens and families lives by using violence, attempted or suggested, to make the person or people they are trying to control to "obey" or "comply" with what they want.

Low Self-Esteem

Usually comes from physical/sexual abuse, neglect/disapproval by their parent/guardian during their childhood.

Doesn't Take Responsibility for Behavior

Often deny that anything wrong has happened, let alone "abuse" has occured and minimizes the impact of their behavior or descisions, or lack thereof, and blame their partner, children, family pets, or third party for their behavior.

 

Passive Agressive Behavior

Passive Aggressive (adj.) Of, relating to, or having a personality disorder characterized by habitual passive resistance to demands for adequate performance in occupational or social situations, as by procrastination, stubbornness, sullenness, and inefficiency.

Covert (adj.) Not openly shown, engaged in, or avowed : VEILED

Passive Aggressive Behavior Defined:

Passive Aggressive behavior is a form of covert abuse. When someone hits you or yells at you, you know that you've been abused. It is obvious and easily identified. Covert abuse is subtle and veiled or disguised by actions that appear to be normal, at times loving and caring. The passive aggressive person is a master at covert abuse.

Passive aggressive behavior stems from an inability to express anger in a healthy way. A person's feelings may be so repressed that they don't even realize they are angry or feeling resentment. A passive aggressive can drive people around him/her crazy and seem sincerely dismayed when confronted with their behavior. Due to their own lack of insight into their feelings the passive aggressive often feels that others misunderstand them or, are holding them to unreasonable standards if they are confronted about their behavior.

Common Passive Aggressive Behaviors:

 

  • Ambiguity: I think of the proverb, "Actions speak louder than words" when it comes to the passive aggressive and how ambiguous they can be. They rarely mean what they say or say what they mean. The best judge of how a passive aggressive feels about an issue is how they act. Normally they don't act until after they've caused some kind of stress by their ambiguous way of communicating. 

 

  • Forgetfulness: The passive aggressive avoids responsibility by "forgetting." How convenient is that? There is no easier way to punish someone than forgetting that lunch date or your birthday or, better yet, an anniversary.  

     

  • Blaming: They are never responsible for their actions. If you aren't to blame then it is something that happened at work, the traffic on the way home or the slow clerk at the convenience store. The passive aggressive has no faults, it is everyone around him/her who has faults and they must be punished for those faults.  

     

  • Lack of Anger: He/she may never express anger. There are some who are happy with whatever you want. On the outside anyway! The passive aggressive may have been taught, as a child, that anger is unacceptable. Hence they go through life stuffing their anger, being accommodating and then sticking it to you in an under-handed way.  

     

  • Fear of Dependency: From Scott Wetlzer, author of Living With The Passive Aggressive Man. "Unsure of his autonomy and afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs, usually by trying to control you. He wants you to think he doesn't depend on you, but he binds himself closer than he cares to admit. Relationships can become battle grounds, where he can only claim victory if he denies his need for your support."  

     

  • Fear of Intimacy: The passive aggressive often can't trust. Because of this, they guard themselves against becoming intimately attached to someone. A passive aggressive will have sex with you but they rarely make love to you. If they feel themselves becoming attached, they may punish you by withholding sex.  

     

  • Obstructionism: Do you want something from your passive aggressive spouse? If so, get ready to wait for it or maybe even never get it. It is important to him/her that you don't get your way. He/she will act as if giving you what you want is important to them but, rarely will he/she follow through with giving it. It is very confusing to have someone appear to want to give to you but never follow through. You can begin to feel as if you are asking too much which is exactly what he/she wants to you to feel. 

     

  • Victimization: The passive aggressive feels they are treated unfairly. If you get upset because he or she is constantly late, they take offense because; in their mind, it was someone else's fault that they were late. He/she is always the innocent victim of your unreasonable expectations, an over-bearing boss or that slow clerk at the convenience store. 

 

  • Procrastination: The passive aggressive person believes that deadlines are for everyone but them. They do things on their own time schedule and be damned anyone who expects differently from them.

 

The Passive Aggressive and You:

The passive aggressive needs to have a relationship with someone who can be the object of his or her hostility. They need someone whose expectations and demands he/she can resist. A passive aggressive is usually attracted to co-dependents, people with low self-esteem and those who find it easy to make excuses for other's bad behaviors.

The biggest frustration in being with a passive aggressive is that they never follow through on agreements and promises. He/she will dodge responsibility for anything in the relationship while at the same time making it look as if he/she is pulling his/her own weight and is a very loving partner. The sad thing is, you can be made to believe that you are loved and adored by a person who is completely unable to form an emotional connection with anyone.

The passive aggressive ignores problems in the relationship, sees things through their own skewed sense of reality and if forced to deal with the problems will completely withdraw from the relationship and you. They will deny evidence of wrong doing, distort what you know to be real to fit their own agenda, minimize or lie so that their version of what is real seems more logical.

The passive aggressive will say one thing, do another, and then deny ever saying the first thing. They don't communicate their needs and wishes in a clear manner, expecting their spouse to read their mind and meet their needs. After all, if their spouse truly loved them he/she would just naturally know what they needed or wanted. The passive aggressive withholds information about how he/she feels, their ego is fragile and can't take the slightest criticism so why let you know what they are thinking or feeling? God forbid they disclose that information and you criticize them.

Confronting the Passive Aggressive:

Beware, if you confront the passive aggressive he/she will most likely sulk, give you the silent treatment or completely walk away leaving you standing there to deal with the problem alone. There are two reasons for confronting the passive aggressive. One, if done correctly you may be able to help him/her gain insight into the negative consequences of their behaviors. Two, even if that doesn't happen, it will at least give you the opportunity to talk to him/her in a frank way about how his/her behavior affects you. If nothing else you can get a few things "off your chest." Below are some ways you might approach your passive aggressive:

  • Make your feelings the subject of the conversation and not his/her bad behaviors. 

     

  • Don't attack his/her character. 

     

  • Make sure you have privacy.  

     

  • Confront him/her about one behavior at a time, don't bring up everything at once.  

     

  • If he/she needs to retreat from the conversation allow them to do it with dignity. 

     

  • Have a time limit, confrontation should not stretch on indefinitely.  

     

  • If he/she tries to turn the table on you, do not defend your need to have an adult conversation about your feelings.  

     

  • Be sure he/she understands that you care about what happens to them, that you love them and that you are not trying to control them. You are only trying to get to the bottom of your disagreements and make the relationship better.

 

Inside the Passive Aggressive:

The passive aggressive has a real desire to connect with you emotionally but their fear of such a connection causes them to be obstructive and engage in self-destructive habits. He/she will be covert in their actions and it will only move him/her further from his/her desired relationship with you.

The passive aggressive never looks internally and examines their role in a relationship problem. They have to externalize it and blame others for having shortcomings. To accept that he/she has flaws would be tantamount to emotional self-destruction. They live in denial of their self-destructive behaviors, the consequences of those behaviors and the choices they make that cause others so much pain.

The passive aggressive objectifies the object of their desire. You are to be used as a means to an end. Your only value is to feed his/her own emotional needs. You are not seen as a person with feelings and needs but as an extension of him/her. They care for you the way they care for a favorite chair. You are there for their comfort and pleasure and are of use as long as you fill their needs.

The passive aggressive wants the attention and attachment that comes with loving someone but fears losing his/her independence and sense of self to his/her spouse. They want love and attention but avoid it out of fear of it destroying them. You have to be kept at arms length and if there is an emotional attachment it is tenuous at best.

The only hope for change in the way they deal with relationship issues is if they are able to acknowledge their shortcomings and contributions to the marital problems. Facing childhood wounds, looking internally instead of externally to find the cause of problems in their life will help them form deeper emotional attachments with a higher sense of emotional safety.

This article was published at ABOUT.COM and can be viewed at this link:

http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/abusiverelationships/a/Pass_Agg.htm